


The First Step

by RulerOfTheValaxy



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), WandaVision (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Anger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, But they are sad, Canonical Character Death, Carol Danvers Needs a Hug, Carol and Monica will be ok, Child Loss, Closeted Character, Don't Ask Don't Tell, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kind of Happy I mean, Lesbian Parents, Loss of Parent(s), Major Illness, Major character death - Freeform, Monica Rambeau Needs a Hug, Monica Rambeau has Abandonment Issues, Ow my emotions, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-WandaVision, Reconciliation, Referenced Cancer, This fic gives Monica some closure she needs goddammit Disney, WandaVision spoilers, background Doctor Strange being an ass, danbeau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RulerOfTheValaxy/pseuds/RulerOfTheValaxy
Summary: She’d waited so long to see her. First to hug her and hear her stories, then to hug her and beg her never to leave again, then to punch her and tell her not to come back, and now she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. Carol wouldn’t recognise her, surely? She could turn her car around right now and drive away. Just drive somewhere, find an apartment, never come back.But what then?Monica is alive again, but the world has left her behind while she was missing. Maria is gone, Carol is back after all these years, and Monica has no idea how to process all of it. There’s so much Monica deserves to know.The only way to start is to confront Carol.
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Maria Rambeau, Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau, Referenced Carol Danvers & Maria Rambeau, danbeau - Relationship
Comments: 19
Kudos: 118





	The First Step

**Author's Note:**

> **CW:**
> 
> **Abandonment, angst, anxiety, cancer, grief, loss of a mother, loss of a wife, and the death of a lesbian woman.**
> 
> This is a story about Monica and Carol's grief for Maria, and their reconciliation. These characters deserve a happy ending but this is not a happy story.  
> I'm so annoyed with the way Wandavision has treated Maria, and how with Captain Marvel 2 so far away it'll likely be a long time before we really get to see much of Monica and Carol. I've shipped Danbeau since seeing Captain Marvel in 2019 and am seriously frustrated that Disney's keeping it closeted and has now removed Maria from the films, ughhhhhh.  
> I'm probably going to write happy Danbeau in the future but wanted to fix this bit of canon and give the characters the chance to grieve and express their pain that they have not been given in canon.
> 
> This won't have further chapters.

# The First Step

She spent another ten minutes waiting in the car, one hand on the door handle, the other on the wheel, her head spinning. She felt sick, the back of her throat sticky and damp, tummy tensed and fingertips buzzing.

She’d waited so long to see her. First to hug her and hear her stories, then to hug her and beg her never to leave again, then to punch her and tell her not to come back, and now she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. Carol wouldn’t recognise her, surely? She could turn her car around right now and drive away. Just drive somewhere, find an apartment, never come back.

But what then?

She wiped her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Her first few steps were small and shaky, but they grew longer, more decisive, as she stalked towards the ruins of the Avenger’s compound.

The vellus hair on her forearms was standing up in the air, nearby electrical lights starting to flicker. Sooner or later she needed to figure out how to consciously stop that.

Excavators and heavy machinery trawled through the rubble, pumps emptying the remaining waterlogged areas back into the lake. She gave them a wide berth. It was eleven days since it was blown apart, eleven days since she came back to an empty hospital room, two days since she got out of Westview. Eleven days and Carol hadn’t come to see her, but what were eleven days after more than twenty years anyway? Carol probably hadn’t even noticed. Monica ground her teeth until it hurt.

She got a few glances but brushed them off. One of the Avengers intercepted her though. She recognised him from the news, but she’d forgotten his name; there were so many now, and she hadn’t been back long.

“Are you authorised to be here?” he asked brusquely.

She raked her eyes over his obnoxious goatee and garish cape, his disinterested, dismissive expression. What was it with powerful men and arrogance?

“I’m from S.W.O.R.D.,” she said shortly, “I’m here to talk to Carol Danvers. I was told she’s here.”

“She is,” the man replied, “and you are?”

“…Family.”

He tilted his head dismissively towards his right. “She’s lifting part of the wreckage. She should be at the surface soon.” And he turned walked off without any further acknowledgement. Delightful man.

She followed the directions. A few hundred metres ahead a large piece of twisted metal was rising up, scraping out of the ground. A couple of those people with magic (Wizards? Sorcerers? Was there a difference?) were stabilising it, but they clearly weren’t doing the heavy lifting. She stopped far enough back from the huge metal structure to keep out of the way, shoved her hands into her pockets to hide the shaking, and waited.

Sure enough, she soon came into view, carrying the wreckage on her shoulders, blazing with light as she lifted it out of the crater.

Monica wasn’t ready. Seeing Carol knocked the breath right out of her. For a moment the anger dissipated, and her knees went weak. The lack of sleep caught up with her and her vision blurred. She sucked in a deep breath, tried to stop herself from hyperventilating. And then the hurt and the anger rushed back and she snapped her mouth shut, held her breath to stifle a shout.

If Carol dropped that thing someone could get crushed.

Monica could save the shouting for later.

She swallowed thickly, tasted ozone, felt stinging sparks around her neck. Quickly she pulled off her necklace and stuffed it into her jacket pocket. She _really_ needed to figure out how to stop that.

Once her breathing was more even, she raised her head and watched them finish moving the ruin, some part of the compound that had been destroyed in the barrage. She’d seen the news but seeing Carol in person was not the same. She really hadn’t aged. Once it was set down and someone gave an “All clear!” Carol stretched her shoulders, said something to one of the others, and turned around.

Carol saw her. Carol’s jaw dropped and her hand came up to cover it. From this distance, she couldn’t see if Carol was crying, but she didn’t need to see to know. She hardened her heart as Carol rushed over and stopped short.

This close, she could see the tears, hear the hitch in her breathing. Carol opened her mouth to speak.

“Don’t,” Monica snapped. Carol froze.

“Don’t,” she repeated quieter, “don’t tell me you’re sorry."

Carol’s eyes dropped. “Ok,” she whispered.

“Eleven days I’ve been alive again,” Monica snarled, the words tumbling over her lips, she wasn’t even thinking about what she was saying, “eleven days and you didn’t even look for me. All these years, you’re back, and you didn’t try to find me. Why?”

Carol closed her eyes. “I didn’t think you wanted to see me,” she replied evenly. When her eyes opened again they were wary, hesitant. “Maria–”

“Don’t you dare say her name,” Monica said, “you have no idea–”

“No,” Carol interrupted sharply, “you don’t have a right to take her name away from me.”

Monica felt something crack in her. “She was my mother,” she said, her voice starting to rise, “she was my mother and you left. You said you were coming back. You promised. We waited. She waited, I waited, you don’t know what that did to her, you don’t know anything. If you say her name again I’ll hit you and I don’t know what’s happening to me but I feel like I’m strong enough to hand you your ass, so just _don’t_.”

Carol didn’t move. She blinked back tears before she responded, “She told me.”

Monica’s words left her.

“I came back,” Carol said, “as fast as I could after Thanos came.”

“That’s what it took?” Monica breathed before her teeth gritted and she tasted ozone again (god she _hated_ that taste). “That’s what it took to bring you back?”

“I wish I could have come back sooner,” Carol said, looking away again.

“Who could have stopped you?” Monica blurted, an uncontrolled laugh at the edge of her voice. “No-one could. But no visit, no message.”

“Earth didn’t have a way to communicate that far,” Carol said slowly, “I couldn’t stay in touch remotely until a few years ago. And I was needed there–”

“You were needed here!” Monica screamed. She hadn’t meant to, but it just burst out of her and now the tears wouldn’t stop.

Carol reached for her, but Monica flinched back. Carol lowered her hand. “I know,” she said, her voice broken. “But when I was with the Kree I did so much harm. I couldn’t leave that, I couldn’t. Nothing could ever undo it but I had to stop it from happening again. I had to fight them, I had to make things better. I know you both needed me, but a lot of people out there would have died without me.”

“Mum died without you,” Monica said numbly; she didn’t want to shout, the anger had drained out with her tears. She didn’t know which of them she was saying that to. She knew it was hurtful. She didn’t care.

She wasn’t looking at Carol, but she heard the sharp intake of breath. She looked up and she’d never seen Carol look that angry, her lips curled and neck corded. Carol shook her head, bit her tongue, and took a few steps left to sit heavily on a knee-high section of concrete, something that had once been a wall, perhaps.

“No she didn’t,” Carol said bitterly, “she died without you.”

Her hand twitched as she swung in Carol’s direction. Something, some _blur_ , passed between them and crashed into Carol. Carol jerked back and the concrete behind her cracked, her face was shocked but then her eyes were suddenly burning. Monica froze, not entirely sure what she’d just done, and then the fire left Carol’s eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Carol said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

She swallowed thickly.

“Neither should I,” Monica replied, “I’m sorry I hit you.”

Carol nodded, put her hands in her lap, laced her fingers.

“Half the universe vanished, Monica,” Carol said, “and the emergency alarm I’d given to Nick went off. I came back. He was gone. I looked for you and her, I found her in a hospital room barely out of anaesthesia. You were gone.”

Carol’s right fingers played with someone on her left hand. “You were gone,” she whispered, so faint that Monica almost missed it and stepped hesitantly closer. “You were gone,” Carol said, “so I avenged you.

“But we didn’t want to stay on an Earth that didn’t have you in it. We grieved. We talked,” she continued, and Monica sat away from her on the concrete, unable to look at her anymore. “I couldn’t stay; then more than ever before, planets out there needed protecting. She came with me. We helped them together.”

Carol’s hands stilled. “Then the cancer came back,” she said. Out of the corner of her eye, Monica saw Carol look across at her. “I know you’re hurt and angry and you don’t want to hear me apologise, but you deserve an apology. I am so sorry you went through that alone the first time. I didn’t know, I...”

Carol was quiet for a few moments before she went on.

“Doctors out there don’t specialise in humans,” Carol said, “so we came back to Earth. They did what they could, but it wasn’t enough. I buried her outside our home.”

Monica bit her lip, but let the tears fall.

“I left,” Carol said, “I never wanted to come back again, and they needed me out there, so I had a reason to keep going. Then the others had the plan, and I came running. And here we are.”

Monica dug her fingers into her knees. “Why didn’t you try to find me after I came back?” she asked.

“Maria told me about you, about what I’d missed as you grew up, about how you felt toward me…” Carol sighed heavily. “I decided to leave it up to you if you wanted to reach out. I thought you might need time.”

Monica let out a shaky breath, shook her head. “You should have sent a message. You shouldn’t have done that without giving me a choice,” she said.

“Ok,” Carol said softly, “I’m sorry.”

They sat there for a while in silence, and the work continued around them, but no-one came close.

“She told you?” Monica asked eventually, “How badly she missed you?”

“Yeah,” Carol said. “Yeah…”

“How was she?” Monica asked hesitantly, “After I was gone.”

“She struggled,” Carol replied. “but… she didn’t do that alone.”

Monica looked over. Carol was still touching something on her hand. Something on her finger. Something bright, metal, that caught the light. Monica froze.

“You married her?” Monica gasped.

Carol gave a small, sad smile. “We had a ceremony two years after I came back. Made it official. But we married before you were born.”

Monica felt the world tilt under her feet. “What?” she breathed.

“We’d have lost our jobs if we were out,” Carol said softly, “we had you to raise.”

“I guessed, but she never told me,” Monica breathed. “Why didn't she tell me?”

“When you were little, we were worried that if you told a friend you’d be taken away from us. Then I died, and she didn’t want to make the pain worse for you. Then I came back, but she’d still have lost you if it got out. And then I left, and you were older, but you never wanted to talk about me. She kept meaning to tell you, but then you were gone. I came home, the world had changed without me, and we didn’t have to hide anymore.”

Monica swallowed. “I knew she loved you,” she said.

“Yes,” Carol said softly.

“I knew you were together,” Monica continued, “when I was little. She told me to call you Auntie. I didn’t care about the word, I just knew you were my mum too.”

Carol sobbed. Monica hesitated.

“She never stopped loving you,” Monica said gently, “it was me that couldn’t stand the waiting.”

She took a deep breath and shuffled closer across the fallen pillar. She reached out a hand between them and Carol took it.

“I’m still angry,” Monica said, “but I still love you.”

Carol broke, turned, hugged her. Monica let her, feeling Carol’s wracking sobs against her shoulder.

“If you leave again, I’m coming with you,” Monica said between her own shaky breaths. “I want us to talk, I want this to work. For her. For us.”

Carol held her tighter.

“Thank you,” Carol cried. “I’m so sorry I let you down. I-I promised but I couldn’t keep it. I’ll n-never break that promise again.”

They clung to each other among the ruins, and grieved together.


End file.
